I realized today how unhappy I am with my appearance. How much it truly does bother me how much I've gained since the wedding. Why is it that after you get married you put on all this weight? I understand people saying you feel more comfortable, but how is sitting down and feeling like your button is going to pop more comfortable?
I'm making changes. And it's not going to be easy, but I have to do it.
I'm not really sure how much 'work out' time I'll have between school and work, but I need to fit something into my schedule. Even if it is just a walk around the neighborhood everyday. Now I just need to find my Ipod so I can have a little tunes while walking :)
I need to change up my diet. Fudge pops, chips, frozen food and fast food just aren't gonna cut it anymore. I need to find ways to add some healthy snacks into my life. The next grocery store trip is going to take a little more time and effort than normal. I need to really pay attention not just grab whatever catches my eye.
No more soda.
I don't think this is going to be too hard. I've done it before. Water and tea can help me get through my day.
I need to find healthier, but still quick ideas for dinners.
I'm going to try and really stick to this. It's going to be hard because when I feel really rushed or stressed with my schedule I just grab whatever I can. And most snacks (at least what I'm used to) aren't healthy.
It's going to be a tough journey for me. When I get stressed I turn to my chocolate and other junk foods. And with school, my hectic work schedule, and tests it's going to take a lot to avoid those urges and stick with my guns and have healthy snacks.
In the end this will be good. It will be hard at first, but to be happier and feel better about myself in the end will really pay off.
I know I'll have my supporters throughout this, just like I have my supporters for my school journey.
I'll keep you posted :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Moving Onward and Upward
Today, something inspired me to look through my old high school yearbooks. All 4 of them, and read what people had written to me and look back through pictures.
It really made me realize how far I've come in life, and I didn't realize it today.
I never liked high school, and it was bittersweet on that last day when I knew I wasn't going back. I'm one who has to have a routine and I think that's what made me sad, as silly as that may sound. But I knew that summer would come and summer would go, and that I wouldn't start up at school again, with the same people I had for the past few years, some since elementary school. No conversations of how was your summer, it's been so long, great to see you. That wouldn't happen again.
I didn't feel well liked through out my high school days, and looking back reading what people signed, I really realized how cruel teenagers can be. From calling me fat ass to cursing at me in Spanish. Then I read over the comments of people, if I ran into them today, wouldn't give me the time of day or even remember who I am. I can't stand when people are fake. You're such a great girl, so glad we had class together, blah blah blah. When none of it meant anything.
Back then those comments would hurt my feelings, and still today they would. However, I've come to realize if people can't show me the same respect I show them, they aren't worth my time. That half the friends I had back then weren't really friends to begin with, we just put on a show everyday.
Today I look at my friends, and I can tell who is really a good friend, who shows they care on a regular basis, not just when it's convenient for them. Over the past few years, these real friends have surfaced, and I couldn't be happier about it.
The people in my life now, are people I'm happy to have in my life, people who I care for as if they are family. I know they'll never talk about me behind my back, we joke together instead of them making jokes about me. It's a totally different experience now than it was back then.
Today I wondered, what would have happened had I known all these people back then? One of them went to school with me, but was a couple years ahead. Never once do I recall seeing him, having class with him, or even hearing his name. And now we have a special bond. Another I knew back then, but we never really talked, didn't like each other much. Today he is like my big brother, and I know he has my back. My husband is the last. I did know him back then, but when I met him is when things started to change, when I started caring less how others felt towards me and when I realized I could have friends that could actually last longer than a year.
But if I knew all of these people back then, as well as I do know, where would I be? Things would be different now. Maybe I wouldn't have married my husband. I could be a totally different person than who I am today. So despite all the cruelty that I faced in high school, how much I despised going there day in and day out, I wouldn't be who I am today, if I hadn't gone through all of that.
Now I'm blessed enough to have friends that I can count on for anything. It's not about the quantity of friends you have, but the quality. And if I do say so myself, I've got some pretty damn good people in my life.
It really made me realize how far I've come in life, and I didn't realize it today.
I never liked high school, and it was bittersweet on that last day when I knew I wasn't going back. I'm one who has to have a routine and I think that's what made me sad, as silly as that may sound. But I knew that summer would come and summer would go, and that I wouldn't start up at school again, with the same people I had for the past few years, some since elementary school. No conversations of how was your summer, it's been so long, great to see you. That wouldn't happen again.
I didn't feel well liked through out my high school days, and looking back reading what people signed, I really realized how cruel teenagers can be. From calling me fat ass to cursing at me in Spanish. Then I read over the comments of people, if I ran into them today, wouldn't give me the time of day or even remember who I am. I can't stand when people are fake. You're such a great girl, so glad we had class together, blah blah blah. When none of it meant anything.
Back then those comments would hurt my feelings, and still today they would. However, I've come to realize if people can't show me the same respect I show them, they aren't worth my time. That half the friends I had back then weren't really friends to begin with, we just put on a show everyday.
Today I look at my friends, and I can tell who is really a good friend, who shows they care on a regular basis, not just when it's convenient for them. Over the past few years, these real friends have surfaced, and I couldn't be happier about it.
The people in my life now, are people I'm happy to have in my life, people who I care for as if they are family. I know they'll never talk about me behind my back, we joke together instead of them making jokes about me. It's a totally different experience now than it was back then.
Today I wondered, what would have happened had I known all these people back then? One of them went to school with me, but was a couple years ahead. Never once do I recall seeing him, having class with him, or even hearing his name. And now we have a special bond. Another I knew back then, but we never really talked, didn't like each other much. Today he is like my big brother, and I know he has my back. My husband is the last. I did know him back then, but when I met him is when things started to change, when I started caring less how others felt towards me and when I realized I could have friends that could actually last longer than a year.
But if I knew all of these people back then, as well as I do know, where would I be? Things would be different now. Maybe I wouldn't have married my husband. I could be a totally different person than who I am today. So despite all the cruelty that I faced in high school, how much I despised going there day in and day out, I wouldn't be who I am today, if I hadn't gone through all of that.
Now I'm blessed enough to have friends that I can count on for anything. It's not about the quantity of friends you have, but the quality. And if I do say so myself, I've got some pretty damn good people in my life.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Downtown
Wow . . .
That's all that can come to mind thinking about last night. My night of celebration came to an end, and I had an amazing time.
It started out a little later than how I planned, but totally worth it. Couldn't decide on a place to go, and ended up going to the Cowboy Lounge. *Ladies got in free* which was even better :) At least for me.
I have guys hit on me at work, and typically I'm thinking to myself, why can't they just stop. One of the bouncers last night, as we were walking in, was telling all the guys There are some pretty fine ladies in there, looks at me and says and some still coming in :) I loved the compliment, and my husband didn't seem to mind it either.
We get in, and there is no place to sit, so we just hang out at the bar. My husband ordered drinks for me the whole night. Now I'm a lightweight and typically drink the light stuff. I had 4 Long Island Iced Teas last night! Now some of you reading might be like, so what? That's nothing. Well to me that's alot. I was already feeling it after the first one!
There was great conversation. Many laughs. Lots of jokes.
At first, I'll admit, it was kind of awkward being the only girl in our little group. But after awhile, I didn't mind it. It turned out to be alot of fun.
They played mostly country, but threw in some hip hop. I was just dancing by myself with the guys around me talking. At one point C looks at me and goes, why not get out there with your husband and dance. I tell him my husband doesn't really do dancing, which I don't mind and continued my own little dance party, as lame as that may sound. He looks at my husband and says I might have to seal the deal and take your wife out on the dance floor. I thought it was quite funny, but never happened.
I'm proud of myself. I went out, for the first time, and didn't get totally hammered. I sure felt it and admit I was drunk. Felt like I was stumbling a little bit. But I had a good time. I didn't throw up at all. Managed to walk in the dark, once we got home, to the bathroom, which I consider quite the task when you are drunk :) And woke up this morning with no hangover.
It was a great night. I truly do have some great friends. Even if some of them didn't really want to be at that particular place because it didn't have their choice of beer, or their choice of music, but they still came and stayed because it was somewhere I wanted to be and enjoyed being there.
I'm looking forward to my next outing, which will be in about another 10-13 weeks, after my second quarter is complete. Maybe next time I can get my husband to break out on the dance floor, or convince a friend to dance with me.
Either way it was a great way to celebrate all the hard work I did for the first 10 weeks of school, and working through it all. No way I could do it every weekend though. Once every couple of months sounds good to me :)
That's all that can come to mind thinking about last night. My night of celebration came to an end, and I had an amazing time.
It started out a little later than how I planned, but totally worth it. Couldn't decide on a place to go, and ended up going to the Cowboy Lounge. *Ladies got in free* which was even better :) At least for me.
I have guys hit on me at work, and typically I'm thinking to myself, why can't they just stop. One of the bouncers last night, as we were walking in, was telling all the guys There are some pretty fine ladies in there, looks at me and says and some still coming in :) I loved the compliment, and my husband didn't seem to mind it either.
We get in, and there is no place to sit, so we just hang out at the bar. My husband ordered drinks for me the whole night. Now I'm a lightweight and typically drink the light stuff. I had 4 Long Island Iced Teas last night! Now some of you reading might be like, so what? That's nothing. Well to me that's alot. I was already feeling it after the first one!
There was great conversation. Many laughs. Lots of jokes.
At first, I'll admit, it was kind of awkward being the only girl in our little group. But after awhile, I didn't mind it. It turned out to be alot of fun.
They played mostly country, but threw in some hip hop. I was just dancing by myself with the guys around me talking. At one point C looks at me and goes, why not get out there with your husband and dance. I tell him my husband doesn't really do dancing, which I don't mind and continued my own little dance party, as lame as that may sound. He looks at my husband and says I might have to seal the deal and take your wife out on the dance floor. I thought it was quite funny, but never happened.
I'm proud of myself. I went out, for the first time, and didn't get totally hammered. I sure felt it and admit I was drunk. Felt like I was stumbling a little bit. But I had a good time. I didn't throw up at all. Managed to walk in the dark, once we got home, to the bathroom, which I consider quite the task when you are drunk :) And woke up this morning with no hangover.
It was a great night. I truly do have some great friends. Even if some of them didn't really want to be at that particular place because it didn't have their choice of beer, or their choice of music, but they still came and stayed because it was somewhere I wanted to be and enjoyed being there.
I'm looking forward to my next outing, which will be in about another 10-13 weeks, after my second quarter is complete. Maybe next time I can get my husband to break out on the dance floor, or convince a friend to dance with me.
Either way it was a great way to celebrate all the hard work I did for the first 10 weeks of school, and working through it all. No way I could do it every weekend though. Once every couple of months sounds good to me :)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Forever Friends
I've been thinking alot lately about growing up. Sounds like such a silly thing because we are always growing up. But what I mean is growing up and having kids and who is in my life now, wondering if they are still going to be in it 10, 15, 20 years from now, and so on.
High school was not a highlight of my life. I went because I had to. I passed so I could get out. I wasn't a party person, I wasn't a jock, I wasn't a stoner, I was simply me. I didn't have many friends, and the ones I had didn't last very long. Seems to me like most my friendships have fallen apart, aside from the one I share with my husband.
Over the past year or so, a few friendships have grown stronger. I've seen people in a different light, which has caused me to want to keep them in my life, or slowly let the relationship fall to pieces.
Those who I want in my life, I want to be there when my first child is born. Ok not in the actual delivery room, but in my child's life. Aunts and uncles don't have to be blood related, and I have a few people in my life that I want my children to look at as family, as I look at them as family.
So many things can change over the years, people can change, things happen, and more times than not we have zero control over what happens. As I sit here, I try and think about not having these people in my life, and it makes me sad. Not everyone was put in your life, to be in it forever, this I understand. And sometimes I don't have a choice in the matter whether they stay or go.
When my husband and I are older, I want to go out to those dinners with the stories that start with remember when so and so did such and such, or the time that we went to that one place, etc. I want to be able to have those moments, and preferably with the people I feel are supposed to be in my life years down the road.
My gut always told me that my husband was a keeper, that we would be in each other's lives forever. Now that we have said our vows, and made it a year, my gut still tells me the same thing. And I couldn't be happier to share my life with such a wonderful man.
I feel now as though I've found some true friends, the ones that will be by your side when the rest of the world walks out, the ones you can call anytime of the night if you need them and they will come help you. Friends that I feel I've been searching for my whole (short) life.
Time will only really tell if these people will stick around. If I'll be lucky enough to have those dinner conversations, reliving old memories. People that when my kids are telling stories will say aunt so and so, or uncle so and so.
Time has been passing so fast, and I know it will only get faster. For now, I will enjoy the moments with the friends I have, and I can only hope that they will be around as time goes by to enjoy the ride with me.
High school was not a highlight of my life. I went because I had to. I passed so I could get out. I wasn't a party person, I wasn't a jock, I wasn't a stoner, I was simply me. I didn't have many friends, and the ones I had didn't last very long. Seems to me like most my friendships have fallen apart, aside from the one I share with my husband.
Over the past year or so, a few friendships have grown stronger. I've seen people in a different light, which has caused me to want to keep them in my life, or slowly let the relationship fall to pieces.
Those who I want in my life, I want to be there when my first child is born. Ok not in the actual delivery room, but in my child's life. Aunts and uncles don't have to be blood related, and I have a few people in my life that I want my children to look at as family, as I look at them as family.
So many things can change over the years, people can change, things happen, and more times than not we have zero control over what happens. As I sit here, I try and think about not having these people in my life, and it makes me sad. Not everyone was put in your life, to be in it forever, this I understand. And sometimes I don't have a choice in the matter whether they stay or go.
When my husband and I are older, I want to go out to those dinners with the stories that start with remember when so and so did such and such, or the time that we went to that one place, etc. I want to be able to have those moments, and preferably with the people I feel are supposed to be in my life years down the road.
My gut always told me that my husband was a keeper, that we would be in each other's lives forever. Now that we have said our vows, and made it a year, my gut still tells me the same thing. And I couldn't be happier to share my life with such a wonderful man.
I feel now as though I've found some true friends, the ones that will be by your side when the rest of the world walks out, the ones you can call anytime of the night if you need them and they will come help you. Friends that I feel I've been searching for my whole (short) life.
Time will only really tell if these people will stick around. If I'll be lucky enough to have those dinner conversations, reliving old memories. People that when my kids are telling stories will say aunt so and so, or uncle so and so.
Time has been passing so fast, and I know it will only get faster. For now, I will enjoy the moments with the friends I have, and I can only hope that they will be around as time goes by to enjoy the ride with me.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Choices
Everyday of our lives we are faced with choices. Some easy to make, others it may take hours or days to pick the one we feel is right for our path. But even the most simple decision can wreak havoc on your life or attitude.
When I pass away and am in the heavens above, there is one question I'd like to ask God:
Why did you create me to be the person that can't stand her ground?
Most people would probably tell me God has nothing to do with that, but in my heart I feel he is a main reason as to why I am the person I am.
Why is it that I feel saying no will cause my world to come crashing down or people to become so angry with me? And when it comes to people being angry why do I care? Because in those instances where I don't say no, I'm the one that gets angry in the end for whatever it is that I have to do, because I didn't say no.
Granted I'm alot better about saying no than I was a few years ago, but I still have so much more to go before I'm satisfied with my ability to say no.
I need to make choices that benefit myself, that allow me to have the time with my family. Tfe only way I'll be able to do that is to say no when it's necessary for myself, and not worry that it may change someone else's plans for a change. I've done alot for people who haven't returned the favor, or appreciated the fact that I've done anything to help them.
If I don't make any changes, then the results will always be the same. It's up to me, and me alone to make these changes, and what better time to start then ..... now.
When I pass away and am in the heavens above, there is one question I'd like to ask God:
Why did you create me to be the person that can't stand her ground?
Most people would probably tell me God has nothing to do with that, but in my heart I feel he is a main reason as to why I am the person I am.
Why is it that I feel saying no will cause my world to come crashing down or people to become so angry with me? And when it comes to people being angry why do I care? Because in those instances where I don't say no, I'm the one that gets angry in the end for whatever it is that I have to do, because I didn't say no.
Granted I'm alot better about saying no than I was a few years ago, but I still have so much more to go before I'm satisfied with my ability to say no.
I need to make choices that benefit myself, that allow me to have the time with my family. Tfe only way I'll be able to do that is to say no when it's necessary for myself, and not worry that it may change someone else's plans for a change. I've done alot for people who haven't returned the favor, or appreciated the fact that I've done anything to help them.
If I don't make any changes, then the results will always be the same. It's up to me, and me alone to make these changes, and what better time to start then ..... now.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I Think I Can, I Think I Can ... I DID!!
Today, such a small defeat seemed like the biggest accomplishment in my life.
I managed to finish my first quarter in college, three years after graduating from high school. I've never been one to be good with tests. I sit down and freeze up, or I just can't find the motivation to study or feel like I can't grasp the information.
I've been doing pretty good so far with my quizzes and midterms. I succeeded with my first finals, and today was the one I was dreading. I spent all day yesterday studying off and on. By the end of the night, I felt no more prepared than I did when I first started studying. I went to sleep and hoped and prayed for the best.
Like usual, I showed up early, and just reread through my notes, took a few deep breaths, had a little bit of small talk with my classmates, and told myself I can do this.
I finished the test in 45 minutes, but had to stay for the remainding 2 hours and 15 minutes. I made my way to the kitchen and looked over my notes to look up some of the things I was unsure of. I made a few stupid mistakes, but it's ok.
Slowly more classmates came into the kitchen and we laughed and talked, and thought about how exciting it is that we get a 3 week break. We were keeping busy until our teacher was done grading our tests. It seemed like the clock wouldn't move fast enough.
Finally the time came. I wanted to see my score so bad, but at the same time was so nervous. First she tells me my final grade in the class, 95.4%!! Woo-hoo!! But I still wanted to know how I did on my test, a 94.5%!! I'm so proud of myself! I know I still have 3 quarters left, but after doing so well this first quarter, I'm seeing the faith in myself that I can get through this.
I have had an immense support system throughout this first quarter, and I strongly believe that they will continue to be by my side through the rest of my journey.
My husband has been amazing. Cheering me on while I'm studying and telling me that I will pass no matter how many times I doubt myself. Helping around the house so I can get my studying done. And just being the wonderful man he is.
My family continues to support me. They know how much I want out of my current work situation and are extremely proud of how much effort I'm putting forth into my school work. I don't know where I'd be without them.
My friends, from the ones who I've come to know over the past few years and the ones that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting in person. The littlest things can help no matter how they are given. A short message telling you good luck, a quick pep talk saying I know this and can pass, a congratulations and I'm proud of you after passing a test, or maybe a high five when you don't really know what to say.
I thank all of you for all of your love and support through this first quarter. Three more to go, and hopefully at the end of this journey you will all be there to see me finish!
I managed to finish my first quarter in college, three years after graduating from high school. I've never been one to be good with tests. I sit down and freeze up, or I just can't find the motivation to study or feel like I can't grasp the information.
I've been doing pretty good so far with my quizzes and midterms. I succeeded with my first finals, and today was the one I was dreading. I spent all day yesterday studying off and on. By the end of the night, I felt no more prepared than I did when I first started studying. I went to sleep and hoped and prayed for the best.
Like usual, I showed up early, and just reread through my notes, took a few deep breaths, had a little bit of small talk with my classmates, and told myself I can do this.
I finished the test in 45 minutes, but had to stay for the remainding 2 hours and 15 minutes. I made my way to the kitchen and looked over my notes to look up some of the things I was unsure of. I made a few stupid mistakes, but it's ok.
Slowly more classmates came into the kitchen and we laughed and talked, and thought about how exciting it is that we get a 3 week break. We were keeping busy until our teacher was done grading our tests. It seemed like the clock wouldn't move fast enough.
Finally the time came. I wanted to see my score so bad, but at the same time was so nervous. First she tells me my final grade in the class, 95.4%!! Woo-hoo!! But I still wanted to know how I did on my test, a 94.5%!! I'm so proud of myself! I know I still have 3 quarters left, but after doing so well this first quarter, I'm seeing the faith in myself that I can get through this.
I have had an immense support system throughout this first quarter, and I strongly believe that they will continue to be by my side through the rest of my journey.
My husband has been amazing. Cheering me on while I'm studying and telling me that I will pass no matter how many times I doubt myself. Helping around the house so I can get my studying done. And just being the wonderful man he is.
My family continues to support me. They know how much I want out of my current work situation and are extremely proud of how much effort I'm putting forth into my school work. I don't know where I'd be without them.
My friends, from the ones who I've come to know over the past few years and the ones that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting in person. The littlest things can help no matter how they are given. A short message telling you good luck, a quick pep talk saying I know this and can pass, a congratulations and I'm proud of you after passing a test, or maybe a high five when you don't really know what to say.
I thank all of you for all of your love and support through this first quarter. Three more to go, and hopefully at the end of this journey you will all be there to see me finish!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Party Hype
I've never been a social butterfly.
I've never been a party-goer.
I'm not a huge drinker, but its fun every now and then.
Last night, I went out with my husband and his friend. I was the DD, so no drinking for me. I'm always the one who needs to go to bed early because I have work early, however last night I really just didn't care. We were out until 1:30am, and I had to be up at 5:30am. I don't regret the choice one bit, despite the fact that I feel like I could fall asleep while writing this blog.
There were no crazy stories, no shots done, and I wasn't drinking at all, but it was a really great night. Just hanging out, not being at home, having good conversation and sharing funny stories with good people.
A week from tomorrow I will officially be done with my first quarter. I've never been out to the bars *myself* to drink and have fun. I've done it twice and been the DD both times. Well not this time. I'm going out. I'm celebrating the accomplishment of surviving my first quarter and I'm gonna have fun. We might hit up downtown, bar hop, who really knows. I'm looking forward to it. My goal isn't to get hammered, and if that happens it does. I want to experience the bar scene at least once, see what this party hype is all about. The friend we went out with last night is gonna come, and in my opinion he's the party guru. He knows all the best bars/clubs, and knows how to have a good time. I'm looking forward to it, and hoping it will be a night I never forget.
I'm not gonna party my 2os away, that's just not my style. But for once I'd like to go out and have some fun. No, drinking isn't necessary to have fun, and obviously based off of last night I can have a good time without alcohol. But for once I want to let go and be free. Have a little fun, and forget about my troubles and responsibilities.
I've never been a party-goer.
I'm not a huge drinker, but its fun every now and then.
Last night, I went out with my husband and his friend. I was the DD, so no drinking for me. I'm always the one who needs to go to bed early because I have work early, however last night I really just didn't care. We were out until 1:30am, and I had to be up at 5:30am. I don't regret the choice one bit, despite the fact that I feel like I could fall asleep while writing this blog.
There were no crazy stories, no shots done, and I wasn't drinking at all, but it was a really great night. Just hanging out, not being at home, having good conversation and sharing funny stories with good people.
A week from tomorrow I will officially be done with my first quarter. I've never been out to the bars *myself* to drink and have fun. I've done it twice and been the DD both times. Well not this time. I'm going out. I'm celebrating the accomplishment of surviving my first quarter and I'm gonna have fun. We might hit up downtown, bar hop, who really knows. I'm looking forward to it. My goal isn't to get hammered, and if that happens it does. I want to experience the bar scene at least once, see what this party hype is all about. The friend we went out with last night is gonna come, and in my opinion he's the party guru. He knows all the best bars/clubs, and knows how to have a good time. I'm looking forward to it, and hoping it will be a night I never forget.
I'm not gonna party my 2os away, that's just not my style. But for once I'd like to go out and have some fun. No, drinking isn't necessary to have fun, and obviously based off of last night I can have a good time without alcohol. But for once I want to let go and be free. Have a little fun, and forget about my troubles and responsibilities.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
See You Later
Three months ago, I embarked on a journey that scared me half to death. Making a decision in what I wanted to do in life wasn't easy, and I finally made a choice. I feared failing, I feared not making any friends, I feared spending so much money on something that I might not enjoy. The experience thus far has been nothing short of amazing.
Today was my last day of one of my classes, and it truly was very bittersweet. Now people might see there and ask why, won't you see them again next quarter. Yes and no. Over the next few months we will all go our separate ways, being in differnet programs, taking day or night classes. The bond that I have created with all these people is stronger than anything I ever could have imagined, so in saying goodbye today, it almost felt as though things wouldn't be the same once we left that room.
Gifts from the heart went extremely well and were full of emotions. I learned that I was able to touch other people's lives just as much as they have touched mine. It has been an incredible journey and I still have 9 months left.
I'm hoping that next quarter will bring just as many memories and special bonds as this first quarter has brought me. I have one more final on Monday, and then hopefully within the next two weeks I'll know my final grades.
I am proud that I finally took this step. I'm proud that I branched out and have made friends with my classmates. And hopefully today wasn't so much as saying goodbye, but more of saying see you later.
Today was my last day of one of my classes, and it truly was very bittersweet. Now people might see there and ask why, won't you see them again next quarter. Yes and no. Over the next few months we will all go our separate ways, being in differnet programs, taking day or night classes. The bond that I have created with all these people is stronger than anything I ever could have imagined, so in saying goodbye today, it almost felt as though things wouldn't be the same once we left that room.
Gifts from the heart went extremely well and were full of emotions. I learned that I was able to touch other people's lives just as much as they have touched mine. It has been an incredible journey and I still have 9 months left.
I'm hoping that next quarter will bring just as many memories and special bonds as this first quarter has brought me. I have one more final on Monday, and then hopefully within the next two weeks I'll know my final grades.
I am proud that I finally took this step. I'm proud that I branched out and have made friends with my classmates. And hopefully today wasn't so much as saying goodbye, but more of saying see you later.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Being Supportive
Sometimes things happen to those I care most about, things that I wish I could make disappear, or give them an easy button to decide which path to take. But instead I sit back, lend my shoulder and my ear, and hope they make the decision that they are happy with that will create a better future for them. When they choose what I feel isn't right, I try and give my support, which at times means grinning and bearing it, until I come to the point that I see the happiness it brings them. In this case, it's going to take awhile. I hate seeing those I love in pain, but sometimes you have to go through the pain and heartache to really see what you want in life, and where you want to be going. I pray for those who are experiencing this right now.
I am truly grateful for those who have been supportive to me during the schooling process, and now that I'm almost done with my first quarter, I know I couldn't have done it with out them. Through all my freakouts on being afraid I'd fail a test, or thinking I wouldn't make it since i haven't been to school in so long, they have been by my side. After each test, when I tell them my scores, I get nothing but congratulations and supportive comments. Support systems are everything to me, and I extremely blessed to have such a great one, full of friends, family, and friends that I have adopted as family.
I'm much looking forward to the start of a second quarter, but in a way sad to see the first end. I've created a few special bonds, that I truly hope last through the year, and then some. I never knew that it was possible to create such strong bonds in such a short period of time. In such a short time, a few of us have developed our own little support system. Our support system isn't just about school, tests, grades; it has gone past that. I've learned I can count on a few of them when I need to vent or when I have a slight breakdown. I hope that I've created friendships that are built to last a lifetime.
I am truly grateful for those who have been supportive to me during the schooling process, and now that I'm almost done with my first quarter, I know I couldn't have done it with out them. Through all my freakouts on being afraid I'd fail a test, or thinking I wouldn't make it since i haven't been to school in so long, they have been by my side. After each test, when I tell them my scores, I get nothing but congratulations and supportive comments. Support systems are everything to me, and I extremely blessed to have such a great one, full of friends, family, and friends that I have adopted as family.
I'm much looking forward to the start of a second quarter, but in a way sad to see the first end. I've created a few special bonds, that I truly hope last through the year, and then some. I never knew that it was possible to create such strong bonds in such a short period of time. In such a short time, a few of us have developed our own little support system. Our support system isn't just about school, tests, grades; it has gone past that. I've learned I can count on a few of them when I need to vent or when I have a slight breakdown. I hope that I've created friendships that are built to last a lifetime.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Gifts from the Heart
Today was my second to last day in one of my classes. It consisted of the first part of our final, along with review for the second part. I scored well, and am proud of myself for that. At the same time, I'm mad I let my nerves get the best of me, causing me to lose the points that I did. It just takes time, and is a learning experience. Hopefully next quarter, I can overcome some of these things that I missed.
We get to have a pot luck on Thursday for class, which should be really fun. I've decided to make my homemade chocolate chip cookies, that I've been told are absolutley delicious :) Along with the pot luck, we are doing something called "Gifts from the Heart." It something you give to the other classmates, whether it be an actual physical item, or just something from your heart to them, something you have learned over the quarter and feel like you want to share.
I've become inspired by a song by my favorite band: Rascal Flatts. It's called "My Wish."
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
I would like to write a wish for everyone in class. Just a simple wish. But I haven't decided if I want to read them aloud, or write them down and give them to everyone. But the other tricky part is writing a wish for those who I don't feel I know well enough. Or for those I act as though I get along with them, but deep down I feel no respect for them at all.
This is going to be a challange, but I'm determined to write a wish for them. And a wish for my teacher and T.A. as well. I think it will be a good idea, and hopefully my classmates will enjoy it and appreciate it.
Today was a good day.
We get to have a pot luck on Thursday for class, which should be really fun. I've decided to make my homemade chocolate chip cookies, that I've been told are absolutley delicious :) Along with the pot luck, we are doing something called "Gifts from the Heart." It something you give to the other classmates, whether it be an actual physical item, or just something from your heart to them, something you have learned over the quarter and feel like you want to share.
I've become inspired by a song by my favorite band: Rascal Flatts. It's called "My Wish."
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
I would like to write a wish for everyone in class. Just a simple wish. But I haven't decided if I want to read them aloud, or write them down and give them to everyone. But the other tricky part is writing a wish for those who I don't feel I know well enough. Or for those I act as though I get along with them, but deep down I feel no respect for them at all.
This is going to be a challange, but I'm determined to write a wish for them. And a wish for my teacher and T.A. as well. I think it will be a good idea, and hopefully my classmates will enjoy it and appreciate it.
Today was a good day.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Letting Go
Standing my ground has never been a strong characteristic of mine. I've been a push over and door mat for far too long, and slowly I'm trying to be a little stronger and be able to say NO. So today, I took a step that I've been needing to take for quite sometime. Little did I know it wasn't going to be an easy task.
I have a problem with people telling me they understand how I feel, when I know for a fact they don't. I may be young and people assume that young people don't get tired unless they party until the early mornings. Well over the past three weeks I've been exhausted beyond belief, and the only thing I felt that I had power to change was work. I don't want to share too many details, but after a major bitch fit, I was able to get what I wanted at work, but not without feeling a total lack of respect first.
Something needs to change, and something needs to change fast. I understand I'm going to school to better my future, and not be stuck in my dead end job anymore. However March is still a long ways away. The last straw was broken today. I'm tired of bending over backwards. I'm tired of fixing things when it's not my responsibility to do so. I'm tired of taking the initiative when it isn't even recognized or acknowledged. I'm ready to work somewhere that I don't dread the drive. Somewhere that doesn't require me being up before the sun. Somewhere that I'd be willing to take the initiative knowing that someone would appreciate it, and that it could take me farther in a career that I actually want.
I'm letting go. I no longer owe anything there. I will put in my time and I will leave. I will do my job and just that, nothing more. I'm letting go of what that place is doing to my emotions and mental state. This is just a job, I'm there to make money to pay my bills. It is not where I will be for my entire life, and I no longer feel like it should have such an effect on my life.
I'm learning to let go!
I have a problem with people telling me they understand how I feel, when I know for a fact they don't. I may be young and people assume that young people don't get tired unless they party until the early mornings. Well over the past three weeks I've been exhausted beyond belief, and the only thing I felt that I had power to change was work. I don't want to share too many details, but after a major bitch fit, I was able to get what I wanted at work, but not without feeling a total lack of respect first.
Something needs to change, and something needs to change fast. I understand I'm going to school to better my future, and not be stuck in my dead end job anymore. However March is still a long ways away. The last straw was broken today. I'm tired of bending over backwards. I'm tired of fixing things when it's not my responsibility to do so. I'm tired of taking the initiative when it isn't even recognized or acknowledged. I'm ready to work somewhere that I don't dread the drive. Somewhere that doesn't require me being up before the sun. Somewhere that I'd be willing to take the initiative knowing that someone would appreciate it, and that it could take me farther in a career that I actually want.
I'm letting go. I no longer owe anything there. I will put in my time and I will leave. I will do my job and just that, nothing more. I'm letting go of what that place is doing to my emotions and mental state. This is just a job, I'm there to make money to pay my bills. It is not where I will be for my entire life, and I no longer feel like it should have such an effect on my life.
I'm learning to let go!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
It's the Little Things in Life
Lately life has just been hectic. I knew that working and going to school was going to be a difficult task, but I was bound to make it work. And I'm still pushing forward, but ever since my schedule changed in the last 3 weeks, giving me no single day off between work and school I've felt like a total zombie. I'm on day 22 of not having a full day off, and hopefully a week from today I'll get that day off. I'm standing my ground and putting my foot down, no longer will I work on Sundays. Sundays were my day to keep me sane, to catch up on housework, to do a little studying, and just spend some time with my husband, who at times I feel is a stranger I don't get to see him as much. I'm typically such a push over, and will look past what's best for me at times, but that is changing now. And tomorrow I'll see just how strong and grounded I can be when it comes to the matter.
Today when I got home my husband and his friend were just hanging out. We all decided to go to lunch together, then went to a few stores to try and find myself a new purse. We went to malls we typically don't go to, and just enjoyed the rides there. With the music turned up, good conversation, funny jokes, and good people, it really made for a great afternoon. We were gone for 4 hours. Could I have gotten alot accomplished in that time frame had I been home? Probably. The house could have been a little cleaner, I could have felt a little more prepared for my finals coming up, and maybe the laundry pile wouldn't be so high, but those things can wait. I'm on my self journey learning how to balance work and fun, and I'm bound to get it down at some point, and today was a step forward.
I don't always have to be serious and responsible. I can break loose mentally and just forget all the 'to-do lists' I have running through my brain. I don't need a bunch of girlfriends to have a good time, or even go shopping with. As much as it would be nice to have girl talk and say oh that is cute, sometimes it just doesn't pan out that way. I have never been one to have a lot of girlfriends, the friendships just don't seem to last for whatever reason. I've always gotten along better with guys, and even though at times I feel down because I don't have many girlfriends, I am starting to realize that that's OKAY. I have a blast with my husband and his friends. And while they are his friends, I feel a few select of them are my friends as well. If my husband were to be gone, and I had no one else to call and needed help, I'd feel comfortable calling them. We can all sit around and joke with each other, even though at this time I'm still trying to realize that they pick on me playfully and I don't need to get upset about it (even though I have gotten alot better over the years).
Last night and today have been about the little things in life to me. The hug that comes out of nowhere from a good friend, the sweet soft touches by your husband when deep down you aren't feeling 100% and he knows it but doesn't need to say anything, that simple touch just says I'm here, it will all be okay, and I love you. Late night runs to the movie store. Driving all over town on the search for a simple thing. Playing music loud and taking in the world around you. I don't think I take enough time to smell the roses and I hope to start doing that a lot more. Just in the past two days these little things have brightened my spirit, as I've been feeling down a lot.
Slowly I'll learn the lessons I'm suppsosed to, about how to relax and not always be so busy with life, that I ignore all the little things that could actually make my days better.
Today when I got home my husband and his friend were just hanging out. We all decided to go to lunch together, then went to a few stores to try and find myself a new purse. We went to malls we typically don't go to, and just enjoyed the rides there. With the music turned up, good conversation, funny jokes, and good people, it really made for a great afternoon. We were gone for 4 hours. Could I have gotten alot accomplished in that time frame had I been home? Probably. The house could have been a little cleaner, I could have felt a little more prepared for my finals coming up, and maybe the laundry pile wouldn't be so high, but those things can wait. I'm on my self journey learning how to balance work and fun, and I'm bound to get it down at some point, and today was a step forward.
I don't always have to be serious and responsible. I can break loose mentally and just forget all the 'to-do lists' I have running through my brain. I don't need a bunch of girlfriends to have a good time, or even go shopping with. As much as it would be nice to have girl talk and say oh that is cute, sometimes it just doesn't pan out that way. I have never been one to have a lot of girlfriends, the friendships just don't seem to last for whatever reason. I've always gotten along better with guys, and even though at times I feel down because I don't have many girlfriends, I am starting to realize that that's OKAY. I have a blast with my husband and his friends. And while they are his friends, I feel a few select of them are my friends as well. If my husband were to be gone, and I had no one else to call and needed help, I'd feel comfortable calling them. We can all sit around and joke with each other, even though at this time I'm still trying to realize that they pick on me playfully and I don't need to get upset about it (even though I have gotten alot better over the years).
Last night and today have been about the little things in life to me. The hug that comes out of nowhere from a good friend, the sweet soft touches by your husband when deep down you aren't feeling 100% and he knows it but doesn't need to say anything, that simple touch just says I'm here, it will all be okay, and I love you. Late night runs to the movie store. Driving all over town on the search for a simple thing. Playing music loud and taking in the world around you. I don't think I take enough time to smell the roses and I hope to start doing that a lot more. Just in the past two days these little things have brightened my spirit, as I've been feeling down a lot.
Slowly I'll learn the lessons I'm suppsosed to, about how to relax and not always be so busy with life, that I ignore all the little things that could actually make my days better.
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