Latley I've started to feel like I'm losing the balance in my life. Our house has never been so clean you could eat off the floor, but typically it stays clutter free. Once starting school that whole concept flew out the window. Half the time you can't tell we have a kitchen table, and at times the dishes just start to pile up. I've always been on top of things financially, until recently. I missed my first ever bill this week and realized it today. I had a major break down. My husband looked at me, and said calmly "It's ok, don't worry." But that's all I did for the next hour after realizing it. I used to pay the bills as they came in the mail, but have since stopped that being that we make a little less now, and I usually pay them a few days before the due date. This marks the second time I forgot about a bill this month. The first one wasn't late as I remembered the day of, and went down and paid it in person. But I can't help but feel totally worthless that I forgot to pay a bill. I'm working on a new organization system so that this doesn't happen again. Second quarter just started, and of course it will take time to get back in the swing of things, but I don't think it'll get back to how it was before school started at all. I think I'm going to have to wait until I'm out of school to accomplish taht goal. It'll all be worth it in the end.
This is somewhat of a two part post. The above mentions how I feel like balance is completely off. And now for the second part - gaining a life.
I've mentioned this in my previous posts often, but it's because it has such an impact on my life. I have never really felt like I had a decent group of friends, ever. Then I joined a site while planning my wedding where I 'met' a decent amount of girls that have given me so much support, through the planning process, and even after being married are here to support me. And now for the first time, I actually feel like I have some pretty solid friends. Friendships that I have only before witnessed and dreamed I could have are becoming a reality. Being able to go out and have a good time, not sit in the corner and wonder why I was invited if they are just going to ignore me anyways. I think in the past 6 months, I have become a part of more inside jokes, than I have in my entire 21 years of life. I couldn't be any happier or feel any more blessed than I do right now in my life, to have such a great group of friends, which make up an amazing support system.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Round 2
The start of the second quarter finally arrived. Working before school is going to be rough, but I'll make it through somehow. I just have to keep my eye on the goal at the end, getting out of a dead end job, that causes me so much stress and frustration.
I was exactly looking forward to today. The drama never ends, it doesn't end in grade school, it escalates in high school, you stick with a few good friends and you think it's all said and done, but then it just comes full force. The right thing is not always an easy thing, so half the time I wonder why I bother.
All my life I've let people get to me, and the majority of the time they do it just to see me squirm or blow up. I think I've finally learned my lesson. I'm letting it roll off my back. If people want to talk bad about me then go right ahead. But if you truly have a problem with me, say it to my face, don't talk about me like I'm not in the room, when I'm less than 3 feet away from you.
Slowly but surely, I'm finding my real friends in this little thing we call life. Some of which I never thought I'd be as close to as I am, and I've lost some I thought might be there by my side. I know who I can call when I'm in trouble, send a text when I need a listening ear, and who has my back when everyone is ganging up on me.
Despite the stress I've been feeling, the hatred I feel towards me, I'm completely and truly blessed with those who are on my side, and support me whole-heartedly. I don't know where I would be without these people in my life, if I had no one to turn to.
This quarter I think is going to take a major toll on me, emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm going to need a lot of deep breaths, prayer sessions, meditations, and a few fun nights out to get through it all. And I know who will be there for me through it all. And I thank you all!
I was exactly looking forward to today. The drama never ends, it doesn't end in grade school, it escalates in high school, you stick with a few good friends and you think it's all said and done, but then it just comes full force. The right thing is not always an easy thing, so half the time I wonder why I bother.
All my life I've let people get to me, and the majority of the time they do it just to see me squirm or blow up. I think I've finally learned my lesson. I'm letting it roll off my back. If people want to talk bad about me then go right ahead. But if you truly have a problem with me, say it to my face, don't talk about me like I'm not in the room, when I'm less than 3 feet away from you.
Slowly but surely, I'm finding my real friends in this little thing we call life. Some of which I never thought I'd be as close to as I am, and I've lost some I thought might be there by my side. I know who I can call when I'm in trouble, send a text when I need a listening ear, and who has my back when everyone is ganging up on me.
Despite the stress I've been feeling, the hatred I feel towards me, I'm completely and truly blessed with those who are on my side, and support me whole-heartedly. I don't know where I would be without these people in my life, if I had no one to turn to.
This quarter I think is going to take a major toll on me, emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm going to need a lot of deep breaths, prayer sessions, meditations, and a few fun nights out to get through it all. And I know who will be there for me through it all. And I thank you all!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Guys Vs Girls
Growing up I was always envious of my sister. She always had a group of girlfriends to hang out with, have over, go to the mall with, anything you could think of she had someone to join her.
I struggled throughout my childhood and teen years trying to find that sort of female companionship. Every time I thought I found something worth holding on to, something would happen and it would all come crumbling down. I just never understood why I couldn't be like my sister.
My mom always told me that it was okay that I didn't get along with girls. And told me that while growing up, she hung out with guys 99% of the time, and that that was okay. While I listened to what she said (repeatedly) I never really heard her.
I'm now starting to undestand, and it's helping me feel more at ease with the relationships/friendships that I currently have.
I can not recall the last time I hung out with a girlfriend. Like actually walked around the mall, went and grabbed a Starbucks, hung out at the house, nothing like that. I honestly think it's been about a year.
Before school started, I constantly thought about the fact that I had virtually zero friends to hang out with and it really bummed me out. Then school started and it didn't really bug me all that much considering I didn't have the time to hang out with people.
And now I'm realizing that I've had friends all along, they were just of the male species. These guys have been there to support me through school, joke with me, make me laugh if I need it (even if they don't know I need to), and hang out with.
I think within past month I've actually hung out with people I consider my friends, at least 5 times. Most people may think that isn't a big deal, but to me it is. I have had so much fun this past month, and have felt so free it's unbelievable. Currently I have been up for 42 hours, with a 30 minute nap. Never in a million years would I have pulled an all nighter when I had to work the next day, let alone work 10 hours. But I did and I do not regret it one bit. It was a great night. I laughed alot, and feel like I learned alot.
It's hard to explain, and I'm not going into huge detail here, because honestly it would be all jumbled up and go on and on for pages and pages.
The main thing I've learned is, I don't need to have girlfriends to hang out with. I have a great support system via virtual friends, who have provided more support than people in my own town. That I do like hanging out with the guys more, and that that is really okay. We can laugh, create inside jokes, and build friendships that I've been so desperately looking for the past 21 years. I finally feel at peace with my relationships/friendships that I've found.
I struggled throughout my childhood and teen years trying to find that sort of female companionship. Every time I thought I found something worth holding on to, something would happen and it would all come crumbling down. I just never understood why I couldn't be like my sister.
My mom always told me that it was okay that I didn't get along with girls. And told me that while growing up, she hung out with guys 99% of the time, and that that was okay. While I listened to what she said (repeatedly) I never really heard her.
I'm now starting to undestand, and it's helping me feel more at ease with the relationships/friendships that I currently have.
I can not recall the last time I hung out with a girlfriend. Like actually walked around the mall, went and grabbed a Starbucks, hung out at the house, nothing like that. I honestly think it's been about a year.
Before school started, I constantly thought about the fact that I had virtually zero friends to hang out with and it really bummed me out. Then school started and it didn't really bug me all that much considering I didn't have the time to hang out with people.
And now I'm realizing that I've had friends all along, they were just of the male species. These guys have been there to support me through school, joke with me, make me laugh if I need it (even if they don't know I need to), and hang out with.
I think within past month I've actually hung out with people I consider my friends, at least 5 times. Most people may think that isn't a big deal, but to me it is. I have had so much fun this past month, and have felt so free it's unbelievable. Currently I have been up for 42 hours, with a 30 minute nap. Never in a million years would I have pulled an all nighter when I had to work the next day, let alone work 10 hours. But I did and I do not regret it one bit. It was a great night. I laughed alot, and feel like I learned alot.
It's hard to explain, and I'm not going into huge detail here, because honestly it would be all jumbled up and go on and on for pages and pages.
The main thing I've learned is, I don't need to have girlfriends to hang out with. I have a great support system via virtual friends, who have provided more support than people in my own town. That I do like hanging out with the guys more, and that that is really okay. We can laugh, create inside jokes, and build friendships that I've been so desperately looking for the past 21 years. I finally feel at peace with my relationships/friendships that I've found.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Scars ... The Middle ... Karma
What an interesting title right? And a second post in one day? What's going on? :)
Anyways, back on track . . .
"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, My weakness is that I care too much."
~Scars by Papa Roach
Oh the countless times I've listened to this song growing up. At times I felt it was the only way I felt like someone out there understood how I felt. I have always cared how people feel about me, how people see me, and what they say about me. Ever since meeting my husband, I've gotten a little better. But I still care way too much, and I really hate that I'm that way. Why do I care? Why do I even bother worrying about what other people think, when I'm happy being me? When the decisions I make are strictly for myself and no one else? (Well despite any family decisions made with my husband.)
"Just try your best, try everything you can, and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away ... Just do your best, do everything you can and don't worry what their bitter hearts are gonna say."
~The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
My mom first introduced me to this song when I was in middle school. I was having a lot of trouble with "friends" and she had my listen to this song. It basically became my anthem, and any time I hear it, I get a little emotional. It ties into not caring what other people say. As long as I'm doing everything I can and everything to the best of my ability, why listen to what anyone else has to say? Why listen to anyone putting me down? As long as I'm happy with what I'm doing and the decisions I make, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, to my face or behind my back.
Karma
Why do I waste my time worrying, when I know deep down that karma will do more damage and take care of things more than I can. I'm going to just focus on that. Well maybe focus isn't the right word, more like rely. If anyone wants to create a problem with me, I'm going to brush it off. If someone isn't happy with the decisions I've made, so be it. Karma can handle things. It's not worth my time, tears, or stress to deal with things that are an endless battle.
Those words are so easy to type, so easy to say, but not as easy to accomplish, at least in my eyes. But this is my goal, this is my vow. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, I'm not going to let people get to me, I'm just going to brush it all off.
Anyways, back on track . . .
"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, My weakness is that I care too much."
~Scars by Papa Roach
Oh the countless times I've listened to this song growing up. At times I felt it was the only way I felt like someone out there understood how I felt. I have always cared how people feel about me, how people see me, and what they say about me. Ever since meeting my husband, I've gotten a little better. But I still care way too much, and I really hate that I'm that way. Why do I care? Why do I even bother worrying about what other people think, when I'm happy being me? When the decisions I make are strictly for myself and no one else? (Well despite any family decisions made with my husband.)
"Just try your best, try everything you can, and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away ... Just do your best, do everything you can and don't worry what their bitter hearts are gonna say."
~The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
My mom first introduced me to this song when I was in middle school. I was having a lot of trouble with "friends" and she had my listen to this song. It basically became my anthem, and any time I hear it, I get a little emotional. It ties into not caring what other people say. As long as I'm doing everything I can and everything to the best of my ability, why listen to what anyone else has to say? Why listen to anyone putting me down? As long as I'm happy with what I'm doing and the decisions I make, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, to my face or behind my back.
Karma
Why do I waste my time worrying, when I know deep down that karma will do more damage and take care of things more than I can. I'm going to just focus on that. Well maybe focus isn't the right word, more like rely. If anyone wants to create a problem with me, I'm going to brush it off. If someone isn't happy with the decisions I've made, so be it. Karma can handle things. It's not worth my time, tears, or stress to deal with things that are an endless battle.
Those words are so easy to type, so easy to say, but not as easy to accomplish, at least in my eyes. But this is my goal, this is my vow. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, I'm not going to let people get to me, I'm just going to brush it all off.
Grown Ups
I have a feeling this post may not may perfect sense and might bounce from subject to subject, so in advance, I apologize.
My wonderful hubby and I went on a spontaneous movie date last night, we went and saw Grown Ups. By far an extremely hilarious movie, and I recommend it to everyone :)
Throughout the evening, I realized a lot.
My husband and I don't spend much time out of the house. Like I've stated before, I am very much a homebody, but I miss little adventures with my husband. Movie dates, dinner dates, things of the sort. Over the past couple years, those little dates have seemed to vanish, and it kinda bums me out. We talked about it last night, and we are going to try and make more of an effort to go out and do things like that together.
While sitting waiting for the movie to start, another couple enters the theater and sits in the row in front of us. Funny thing is, I went to elementary and middle school with the guy. Actually had a crush on him way back when, but he never liked me in return. I laughed because I found it funny that I knew him, and was sitting just a few feet away, and he had no idea who I was.
It's funny how life happens. You spend such a large amount of your childhood in school, with the same people day in and day out, and once all of that is over, and you see those people later on in life, and they don't even recognize you.
I'm going to be 22 in 4 months. I can hardly believe it. I know that 22 isn't old by any means, but I just can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm married, have a house, two wonderfully rambunctious pets, heading towards a career that hopefully I'll love. I just can't believe where life has taken me, and yet it has so much more to go.
My wonderful hubby and I went on a spontaneous movie date last night, we went and saw Grown Ups. By far an extremely hilarious movie, and I recommend it to everyone :)
Throughout the evening, I realized a lot.
My husband and I don't spend much time out of the house. Like I've stated before, I am very much a homebody, but I miss little adventures with my husband. Movie dates, dinner dates, things of the sort. Over the past couple years, those little dates have seemed to vanish, and it kinda bums me out. We talked about it last night, and we are going to try and make more of an effort to go out and do things like that together.
While sitting waiting for the movie to start, another couple enters the theater and sits in the row in front of us. Funny thing is, I went to elementary and middle school with the guy. Actually had a crush on him way back when, but he never liked me in return. I laughed because I found it funny that I knew him, and was sitting just a few feet away, and he had no idea who I was.
It's funny how life happens. You spend such a large amount of your childhood in school, with the same people day in and day out, and once all of that is over, and you see those people later on in life, and they don't even recognize you.
I'm going to be 22 in 4 months. I can hardly believe it. I know that 22 isn't old by any means, but I just can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm married, have a house, two wonderfully rambunctious pets, heading towards a career that hopefully I'll love. I just can't believe where life has taken me, and yet it has so much more to go.
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