I know I haven't posted in awhile, and there is so much going on in my mind right now I was going to write one huge blog, but I just don't have it in me to do so. So slowly but surely I'll get it all out, but I'm going to tackle on thing at a time.
Trust
I've mentioned it before that I never had the best of friendships growing up. I'd always look to my sister, and be overcome with jealousy with all the friends that she had around her, and I wanted so badly to be in her shoes.
I've come to the point in my life where I've truly come to terms with the saying "It isn't about the quantity of friends you have, but the quality." I tried to focus on that saying for so long, and it's taken me a few years, but I finally have started to live by it.
My husband, is and always will be, my best friend. He's been there through so much, and I trust him with all my heart.
I have my family, of course they have been there, and I do trust them, but sometimes there are things I don't feel I can go to them about.
Friends .... hmmm.
I have a few. And for some reason I have put alot of trust into them, and I'm not sure why. When every day passes I always wonder if they will still be there today, tomorrow, next month, next year, etc. I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking like that, but I can't help it. I've been stabbed in the back, walked all over, and been talked about behind my back, and I've had enough. I'm through with the people who say that they'll be there, but when the time comes they are a no show. I deserve better than that, I really do.
With these few friends I have, I do trust them. I know I can text or call them and they will listen no matter how silly or serious my issue may be. I am free to be me around them, and I know they won't judge me. For once in my life, I've been a part of inside jokes. As sad as that sounds, I never have been. And I often find myself thinking about these jokes when I'm feeling down, and I realize what great times I've had with these people, and how my life feels more complete with them there. But then my mind will wander, and I'll worry that they are going to up and leave so to speak, that they'll walk all over me, or stab me in the back. I have opened up to these people so easily it seems, and I'm hoping that it is just like when I met my husband.
With him, right from the start, I felt I could tell him any and everything, and I did. And (almost) 5 years later, he's still by my side, not to say we haven't had our share of problems though. I know and trust in God that he is meant to be in my life.
So when I think of these (somewhat) newly found friendships, and I think about how honest I have been with these people, how I open up to them with no hesitation, I'm hoping and praying that it means the same as with my husband. That they are here for the long haul. That 10 years from now they will be known as 'aunts' and 'uncles' to my children, that we'll talk about old times and all the memories and jokes that we have made together.
This year has been quite a rollercoaster emotionally for me, and school has really brought that out. I can't truly explain it, but being in massage school takes you on a journey like you would not believe, it opens your eyes to things you never knew (or just hid from yourself) about yourself. It's absolutely amazing, and hard at the same time. Trying to deal with these new found feelings and thoughts is overwhelming and exciting at the same time, while trying to keep up with the new material at school and every day life in general. I'm almost halfway through, and I'm wondering what else will come out through the second half. I'm excited and scared for where my journey is taking me, but I know in the end I'll be where I want to be. Right now my trust is in Him, and that is where it will remain. I will pray that these people in my life are the real meaning of true friends, and that our futures together will provide even more laughter and great memories.
For now, I'll keep my head high, and thank the Lord everyday for the great family, husband, and friends that I have, and know that my journey has only just begun.
